Disney Cruise – Idiots Abroad

Posted on June 22, 2012 by


October 2011. 3 men (tom, jeff, cheese) and Snippy went on a Disney Cruise. Below is the report/diary of the findings.

Day 1

8.00am – The trip to the airport was fairly uneventful, apart from cheesey displaying a hatrid for sainsburys. “The people that go there are tossers, and the salad bar is always dirty” – fair point, well made.

9.30am – Arrived at the airport, and checked in. Golf buggy sorted for quick transfer at Phillidelphia. Customs was tricky after forgetting about a 2 litre bottle of volvic in my bag. Straight to the bar, 3 pints of fosters, 20 minutes of cheeseys finest worrying, we made the plane with 2 minutes to spare.

11.10amSnip – “Turning left on the plane, (for all you povos, its brilliant!), led to seats 1e, 1f, 1g and 1h. Finest seats on the plane, with great toilet access. All was good until a smelly american woman laid a log in the toilet. Meal time, starter and main course very pleasurable.”

12.15pmCheesey – “Cheesey here Jeffy is in fine form. He has a genuine love of good french red wine. One day he hopes to stay in a large chateux overlooking the rhone valley and get very very tipsy on Finest pinot noir. Ken bates is his chosen drinking partner.”

12.22pmJeff – “This is jeffy speaking. Message is to my discipies me and cheese r not drinking in the past tense. Problem is longtime left no beer being served.log off fans of jeffy update later. Hanfgover thwee. ”

13.12pm – Jeffey has completed his first task of the holiday – managing to have a dump, but not in his pants.

13.52pmJeff – “Jeffy here. For the ladiies whilst i was sitting there i looked at my reflection inthe miror. Am i werwolf or chuckie? Problem being we have many hours to go. Will we get there if we do i will revert to prince jeffy. Only me and snip talking he is obessed with his true ad only love mihelle. Seats just big enough for cheese and tom see you fans got a feeling something will happen soon.”

13.56pmCheesey – “Jezer here miss darlo badly. ”

14.45pm – Time for sleep. Put a movie on for jeffro to watch, he keeps sitting on the remote, but now Adele is playing very loud. Happy jefwee.

15.19pm – 34 mins sleep was possible. Uncle fester has chirpped up again. He is singing into a remote control with his earphones on. Pictures available on wrequest. Cheeseys seat somehow keeps getting adjusted whilst he is asleep. I think there is a problem with it, so il call the stewardess. Cheesey annoyed-meter – fair to middleton.

16.04pm – Jeffery would like to speak to his fans again – he thinks its too late, he has not paced himself.

16.46pm – Cheesey just been poked in the stomach for the 85th time in 6 minutes by jeffery. Cheesey annoyed-meter – middleton to high. On a side note, jeffery is now trying to change his TV channel with the headphone controls. Im not going to help him, i am just watching in ammusment. The snipster is well asleep. I would wake him, but after reciving a right hook from him outside pan heads house 7 years ago, i have decided against it. Jefferey has now been banned from any more alcohol on this flight. Like a crack addict, he is now asking all other people to obtain his fix.

17.20pmJeff – “well its me not pasing to wel not supose to drink this part of jouney. Snipy was spose t fire up only me awake dont no wetherr ill get throo customs who nos fans probly fuk il go down smililing cant spel luv v all fans reportlata misincg u all. But mnot hapy wit who i am its not easy kepin everybody smiling mikey watch ot eeeee”

Cheese – “There must be someway out of here said the joker to the thief.”

    17.42pm – jeffery has just advised a lady that the stewards storage area Is the toilet. She attempted to get before realised the toilet is the next door down. Highly entertaining.

    17.55pmJeff – “Onlui ihour go phew getin pisd of with me now herd it all bfor goin to hav a smok at phily if get thro c how it goes cant stand yanks we rol the world c u fans luv u allx bye”

    18.00pmCheese – “Spike watkins Would have got more ale”

18.05pmSnippy – “HELP!!!!!!!!”

18.47pm – flight descending to Philidelphia. Overall a good flight, nice meals. Now is crunch time. Will jeffrey make the 2nd flight? Ladbrokes offering 4/1. Paddy power 8/15 for not to make the flight.

Phillidelphia time 15.21pm (20.21pm UK) – a miracle. J M Fleet got throguh customs! A very nice bloke called Elijah, pushed me in a wheel chair and we missed all ques. Got to a bar, drank a pint of flat lager, cheesey legged it after 6 minutes to the gate. Jeff informs me he has sweaty undies and does not feel well.

16.41pmJeffery – “wel fans went for a smoke im N phily went disy goinn to fire up again only fir hiors left c u son fans probly in few days got a chance of a leading role in next bond mov”

16.51pmJeffery – “wat a tosa goin to c if i can get the captain to sign on its me fans im the only one firiN up stiL bunch of tosas need verno or dany x. ”

16.53pmJeffery – “R.obbie williams is not on the flight. Butjef is of the us ofa only me stil goin fans godnite x9”

16.54pmJeffery – “Im Goin by ukd now goodnit fans thre hors to go fkd snipy tosachese tosa tom cant spot eating c u fans x”

16.58pmCheesey – “I feel it necesary to add that bruce foxton was just a bit part player . Wella wot a man good tracks and hair products too.”

16.59pmJeffery – “Its me fans in a taxi only me goin stil bunch of tiosas la here i cum nite fans.”

18:31pmPatty (stewardess) – “On our to way to LAX – Woo hoo… Working First Class ! very awesome group of people! Everyone seems to b relaxing andtaking a nap after the lovely dinner service except for 2C Mr Jeffery who wants to keep all his buddies uand drinking! ; )”

18.33pmMr Lieberman (Captain) – “Captain Lieberman is requesting that passangers NOT bother the flight attendant unless is completely necessary! We just under three hours before we get to LAX. Btw, Kansas is very boring!”

18.47pmJeffery – “This is me fans veery sexy stvdes cant sleep fans ffkd x b by agai”

18.48pmJeffery – “X luv u danhy eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

20.01pmJeff to snippy – “I love you like a brother, il take wine with you.”

20.38pm – peace. Jeffery has gone for a dump.

LA time 20.40pm – (4am UK time)Searchy – “searchy here, just sat down for dinner at crustaceian food looks great, a table for 14 , all the lads on samuel adams a boston based lager, geoff has opted for an iced water!! All in good form and looking forward to the cruise…. Oh dear a bolter has been called by geoff, his ears must have been burning due to the water drinking…..”

21.01pmFi Birchall – “Fi here. Great to see everyone from the chester cricket club, all that’s needed is a buffalo in the corner and I’d feel right at home! Jeff is still false calling buffalos- nothing changes- and making speeches as an excuse to make the lads bolt. Bless him, he’s looking a little worse for wear but the rest of the travellers are doing really well and getting a second wind. Just need some meatloaf and i could be back in the old clubhouse on a saturday night! Fab place to eat and great company, hope you all have a wonderful cruise. Can’t begin to tell you how wonderful it is to see you all…..cheers and bottoms up!!”

22.02pm – Bed time. Decided against staying in the hotel we had already booked and paid for, and booked into a competely different place.

Day 2.

12.02am – Snippy returns to the room in a highly annoying mood. It would seem the last 2 hours would be the only sleep i was getting.

1.02am – Still no sleep. He snores like a mule.

2.34am – The snipster is shouting in his sleep. “i seen her titties, and i Like them!” Tried to mute him by covering him with pillows.

3.45am – Still no sleep. Taken some gaviscon and immodium. Toilet has taken a battering.

4.48am – Lord Jeffery is awake. Greets me and snippy, hanging loose with a fetching silk pyjama top on. Quick smoke in the bedroom, followed by setting snippys foot on fire and the day begins.

7.15am – Watched united lose 6-1 to city. Enough said…..

8.00am – breakfast. At this point we lose Cheesey. Jeffry upset…….
Then there were 3 ……… (plus Fleet and Search familys, who look horrified after realsing they have to spend 7 days on a boat with us 3 morons)

8.32am – Jeffery has just informed everybody in the lift, that he misses his cheese. He looks like a mentally unstable person, who has lost his babybel.

9.36am – Super sub danny is given the call. “Be at Mexico in 3 days and look out for a big boat with Mickey Mouse on.” Chances of him making it here? Fair to non.

9.37am – First beers.

12.02pm – leave Beverley Hills to catch the boat. Snippys brain fell out in the taxi, so I made him a hat. It didnt make him feel any better.

1pm – Arrive at boat.

4pm – Safety breifing. Our emergency evacuation point is ‘P’. We were asked to shout out a disney character beginning with P. Jefferys shout of ‘prick’ is deemed unsuitable.

8.25pm – Evening dinner with the Searches and Fleets. Greeted by our head waiter called Witt. A lovely night, bar young Jeffery screaming EEEEEEEEEEEEEE every 5 minutes, falling off his chair, and leaving an unflushed turd in my toilet.

10pm – 2nd Yellow for Jeffery, meaning he was sent off. A one match ban is to be served tomorrow night.

Day 3.

    9.46am – Character breakfast. Jeffery so excited about seeing Mickey Mouse, he calmed his    nerves with a gin and tonic, along with cornflakes. Yvonne is trying to sell jeff on facebook. No offers yet.

    11.15am – All boys having facial shaving, and massages. I was really enjoying mine, until Jeff returned and stuck his fingers up my nose.

    1.30pm – Wine tasting. Read – get pissed quickly.

    2.31pmJeffrey – “Jeffee here. mesage to my disciples iam stil lalive”

    4pm – Bingo. I have loved my bingo, ever since i found online bingo. Its great, because you dont have to sit with piss drenched tramps to play. I required 1 number for a line, before the contents of Jefferys drink were poured on my arm. Returning to the room, jeff followed, however I caged him like an animal in his own room, and he is asleep now. I dont think this is the last we have seen of Jeff this evening, but hopefully he may serve his one match ban in peace.

    8.26pm – Dinner. No bolters, no buffalo, 6 swings of drink in my right hand. It could only mean 1 thing. “wehr iz jefreee” said the foreign waiter (possibly a relative of Manuel from Fawlty Towers?) There were many rumours, had he gone overboard? Was he wining and dining minnie mouse? Or had he stayed in bed?

Day 4.

1.05am mexico time (12.05am LA time) – Return to the room and Snippy finds Jeff in bed. I have called off the search party. Jeff has served his one match ban peacEfully, however must remember the next red card is an automatic 3 match ban with no appeal. Going to catch some zzzzzzzz.

   7.50am – Jeff is awake. It can only mean one thing, me and snippy must wake too. Snip is pushed into doing his morning bolter by a knife wielding Jeff.

9.23am – Beers by pool. Parker from thunderbirds (snippy) was explaining cricket to some yank.

9.54am – 3 morning bolters done.

11.30am – Brunch in Palo’s.

12.32pm Snip – “Snip here. Jeff on fine form, he is behaving today. Still missing Cheesey, supersub Danny has not arrived!”

Day 5.

10.45am – Boat gets into port and we get off to visit a beach complex.

11.58am – Jeffery completes his 7th glass of wine. It is decided that saying the word ‘cheese’ or ‘cheesey’ will result in a bolter.

12.02pm – I order a cheese burger. A bolter shortly follows.

1pmJeff – “Jeffe here mising cheesey boy. where is myy cheesee. sum tosa tuped water over my heed”

15.00pm – Arrive back at ship and go for beers. Everyone having a good time, until Jeffery shouts ‘nice tits’ to a 72 year old woman. A game of cat and mouse begins, me and snippy are the mice, with Jeffery the cat.

15.56pm – Jefferys bed time.

11pm – Off to the nightclub on the ship with Snip. There is 6 people in here, and no sign of any Jagerbombs. Disaster.

Day 6.

1.12am – Leaving the nightclub, Snippy attacks a bin with his sick.

    8.42am – Jeff allowed us a lie in, due to us being out drinking until 4am this morning. Very kind of him. I visited the breakfast buffet and got 3 plates of eggs and bacon. Snippy and jeff did not want anything.

    9.45am – the fishing trip. Fleety arranged a Fishing trip for us all to go on. We prepared with Searchy providing us all with seasick tablets.

    10am – Jeff starts his 7th beer of the morning.

10.15am – 30 mins into the trip, and the tablets failed us! A return to pormeant 6 of us getting off. Charlie, Snip and chris went back out and charlie caught a huge fish.

4pm – Arrive back at ship. Jeff leaves another floater in my toilet, however the cleaner deals with it.

4.32pm – Jeffs bedtime, once again we are free.

8.26pm – Dinner. Chris informs Charlie (twice) to mind the hot cheese on top of his french onion soup. 2 bolters are swiftly deilvered by Marlon the waiter. Witt visits the table laughing, i dont think he is able to stop smiling, and he is on his 5th day of work without sleep.

Day 7.

7.32am – jeff informs me that he spent last night cleaning his penis. I asked him what he cleaned from it. A bolter shortly followed for jeff.

8.36am – Jeff frogmarches Snip to the bar for their first drink.

10.56am – $181 bill between Snip and Jeff in 3 hours! Snippy also drank a fag after Jeff discretely placed it in his can.

11.03amSnippy – “no wonder Jamie Brown left Chester”

 11.34am – Jeffery forced to eat a whole Benson and Hedges. He then tried to light it in his mouth.

 11.45am – Jeff – “dont eat cigaretes. they arnt nice. cheesey would of taken it for me where r u cheese boy”

 14.13pm – Jeff is feeling lucky. He invites over a lady from the next table for a drink.

 14.18pm – The lady mentioned above is a 68 year old widow who still misses her husband. Jeff gives her his number, incase she ever needs any councilling.

 16.35pm – Watch a movie called Real Steel. Jeff crys throughout the emotional parts. Snip Has to cuddle him through the last 15 minutes to quieten him down, as the whole cinema was looking at him.

 19.45pm – Attempt to put Jeffery to bed and go to resturant. We were given strict instructions by Chris not to allow Jeff to come to the resturant tonight.

 20.21pm – Me and Snip leave room for dinner.

20.24pm – Jeff leaves room looking for us. After all hiding behind menus, jeff finally discovers us in the resturant. He is granted permission to stay for 1 drink.

10.12pm – After not being hungry, Jeff demolishes most of Snippys meal. After 7 days of entertaining Jeff, Yvonne seems to be coming to terms with her brother in laws outrageous behaviour and Chris is reaching boiling point. Home time tomorrow.

Day 8.

11pm – Fairly uneventful flight home. Unsure how Jeff got through customs with his passport?

Posted in: Around the Club